So, I'm a woman with a plan, right. I know approximately what I want to accomplish with my life and know approximately how I'm going to get there.
Because I'm a Christian I know God might pull me in another direction, and that's cool. I can deal with that, because it's God, and he can do what he likes. I'll roll with it.
But in pretty much every aspect of my own life, I like to be in a relative control. I like to know what is happening, where, and what time. I like to know the exact state of my finances and to know where my friends stand with me. I'd much rather prefer to be getting on with things then sitting about wondering what other people think of me. I don't like not being in control of any part of my emotions.
I think this stands true with every facet of my personality, which is why I've never dedicated a significant proportion of my time to thinking about boys. Because they don't have any immediate impact on me, I don't particularly care about them outside of being their friend.
But, well, I'd be lying if I claimed that there haven't now been a couple of exceptions to that rule.
Despite my disinterest in relationships, I did once meet an amazing boy who had so much time for me. He was my best friend and our friendship eventually became a relationship when I was 16. It tailed off shortly before the year mark. To put it bluntly, ending the relationship was not a lot of fun. I might as well have been running my heart over shards of glass. My heart felt like shards of glass. It was not pretty and I'll bet I was absolutely ghastly to be around as I argued with my feelings and spent months untangling my dreams for the future from him. Anyone who put up with emotional-shipwreck 16 year old me is an absolute legend.
I left that all behind with a lot of maturity gained and much clearer definitions for my future. Also, my interest in guys had re-defaulted at zero. "I'll be interested in guys when I want to get married" determined my 16-year-old self, and she then proceeded to devote her time to studying a lot harder than necessary to get into University.
Hey, good plan, 16-year-old me. Good plan. I like the way your mind works. However, you forgot to take into consideration that little thingy called "developing a massive case of adorings" for a guy who barely acknowledges you. Awesome.
Yes, fast-forward almost two years and I'm in that fantastic place (note use of sarcasm) that I'm pretty sure everyone has been but never mentions: the unrequited room. If you don't have to come here, please avoid it with your life.
Honestly. I met this guy at the start of the year and thought very little of him. But as the year progresses, I notice things. I notice pieces of his personality coming through, bit by bit, and my interested-o-meter ticks along until I've got this horrible thing which I've been told is called a "crush" and I can't do anything about it.
Crushes are not cool, guys. They're not fun, either. Plain old not fun. It's not fun when you have a crush and he hardly notices you and treats you the same as everyone else. It's not fun being this confused. It's not fun when you don't know what to do and decide it's probably best to do nothing although you wish he'd start treating you different even if you're not sure you want him to. It's not fun when you don't even know when you want.
Perhaps you will recall that earlier I mentioned my intense dislike of not being in control of any part of my emotions. I can't control this part, it would seem. Not cool.
So, kids, let me take this opportunity to suggest that if you're thinking of developing a crush on someone who doesn't pay any attention to you it's probably not a good idea and I would advise against it.
Also, to be perfectly frances with you, if you've read this whole thing, I'm amazed.
Char-lay xxx
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